The Day Of Small Beginnings

In the last three years I've been through separation, divorce, moved clear accross the country, became pregnant three times, miscarried three times, received 2 speeding tickets in 1 month and held 5 jobs for no more than 3 months each (the economy in 1 case, terrible employers in 2, a risky decision in 1, and an absolute shit job in the last one until finally landing my current position, 7months and going strong). It was after the third miscarriage that I finally came to this realization - I am a Drama Queen. Not the in your face kind, mind you. More like the Mt. Rainier Volcano kind - quiet and still on the outside, deep, boiling lava on the inside - and was responsible for most, not all, of the crap that happened in my life especially in the last few years. Admitting this set me free because I didn't say it as a way to beat myself up, nor am I a control freak. Instead it was an honest recognition that if I could take responsibility for my actions that contributed to my misery, I could choose to act in a way that contributed to my happiness.

This year, I set out to make true, authentic and lasting changes in my life that I always knew I needed to make, that I always meant to make but didn't because there wasn't enough time/money/energy/(insert excuses ad nauseum here). While the idea of blogging has been simmering about my thoughts for quite some time, it took a movie based on the main character's blog (yes it's "Julie & Julia" and it's Julie Powell)to finally get me to do it. And not for the reasons you would think - I'm not hoping for a book/movie deal here. Nor am I under the illusion that I'm not one of the many hundreds of others likewise inspired. As many of my fellow humans, we live in the sidelines of our own quiet and desperate lives waiting for a sign, any sign that urges you to "go ahead", "take the leap", "just do it". What inspired me is that another human being - flawed and imperfect as I am - followed her heart and it changed her life. All I hope to accomplish here is the satisfaction of having just DONE IT, "IT" being the positive, lasting changes that I want in my life. Writing this blog and sharing my story is one of them and if it can inspire anyone else out there, so much the better.